Sledgehammer Susan

The Story of Soar …I met Ildiko on a cold, windy day in April. We had been introduced via EHarmony and had successfully passed through the gauntlet of guided interactions and personality tests to finally make human contact. This was not my first foray into an arranged introduction, but still I was breaking new ground. What the heck was an ‘Ildiko’? It looked like a word used to separate the final contestants in a Spelling Bee. “ ‘Ildiko’…. Can I hear it in a sentence”? Better yet I had but a faint idea what an ‘Ildiko’ looked like. In her profile picture, she wore oversized sunglasses that could have easily doubled as a scuba goggles.When I entered the downtown Starbucks at our agreed upon time, I didn’t know what to expect. I quickly surveyed the crowd of college students and Mom’s with kids looking for the mysterious ‘Ildiko’. Cautiously I approached a dark haired woman up near the counter, her back to the door. I gently tapped her shoulder. A woman with the most beautiful brown eyes turned to face me. Staggered, I stumbled towards the finish line. “Umm Hi …I’m … Ildiko???”. “Yes”, she nodded. A tiny bell sounded in the recesses of my brain. I was interacting with a real live ILDIKO!After ordering tea we settled in at a corner table near the front store window. Immediately two things became apparent:1. Ildiko had an accent and was not from these parts. She was born in Hungary and came to America for her College studies. She had just moved to Naperville a month prior, relocating for a new job.2. Ildiko had a VERY high energy level. Any first date nerves I had were quickly dwarfed as she fidgeted and squirmed in her chair like a young mare, flummoxed at the sight of a saddle. Subconsciously, my voice softened in tone. I BECAME the Ildiko whisperer. Anything to prevent the toppling of women, children, tables and chairs if she were to bolt for the door.Our discussions centered around many of the topics we cryptically discussed online. There is a treacherous path that all EHarmony relationships navigate at first: Guided Communication.
At this stage, no personal contact info is shared and communication is only available via the EHarmony App. If a person CLOSED a connection at this stage, they were gone for good … no questions asked.Ildiko’s questions to me centered on my past relationships, and how and why they ended. For a moment I felt these questions were premature and too personal. I hovered over the CLOSE CONNECTION button, but the inkling faded.In time I would learn why she was asking.But for the moment, I played the part of a hapless foreigner trying to get across the border, sans passport, driver’s license or distinguishing birthmark. With military precision, Ildiko peppered me with missives about my relationship history. I answered carefully, cognizant that at any moment armed guards could storm in and whisk me away to an underground dungeon, permanently banished from the land of Ildiko.By the end of the interrogation it began to rain outside. Ildiko had mentioned that she walked to the Starbucks and lived about 10 minutes away. I offered her a ride back home and she accepted. We crossed the street to the parking garage and arrived at a dusty Honda Accord with papers, cups, and garbage strewn throughout. This, unfortunately, was my car. “Sorry, I wasn't expecting to get this far” I quipped. She smiled as I hurriedly cleared a path to a seat. Soon we were on our way, arriving
at a red brick, multi story condo building cradled in a sea of majestic oaks. Before I could say goodbye she was out the door, vanishing inside the marbled foyer entrance. I drove away intrigued, yet convinced that I would never see her again.The next morning a message from Ildiko arrived. I had made it past the first gauntlet and was being summoned for further questioning. We forged a plan for the following evening to tour the Riverwalk in downtown Naperville. I arrived at her condo near nightfall. Ildiko was waiting out front in a long black overcoat, noticeably more dressed up than before. The moonlight briefly silhouetted her dark
features. She was quite beautiful in a natural, unaffected way. She gave a brief hello hug and sprang away into the darkness, briskly heading towards the Building’s edge where an onramp to the Riverwalk awaited.I ran to catch up. Once upon the lamp lit cobblestone path, a realization struck. The first date was not a fluke. This women’s creator put a 8,000 horsepower dragster engine into a tiny lawnmower body. Despite being half a foot taller, I struggled to keep pace with Ildiko. Outwardly, she wasn’t making any obvious attempt to hurry — this woman was just wired for speed. Despite regular workouts, I did my best to lag no more than 5 feet behind her, careful to stifle any audible gasps for air that might signal I was not up to mating standards.With sweat streaming from my brow and Ildiko plowing furiously ahead, I started
questioning my physical ability to continue the relationship. Suddenly I heard a shriek up ahead as Ildiko stopped cold, hands to her cheeks. “A RACCOON! …over there a RACCOON!”. Sure enough, the biggest raccoon I had ever seen in life was making its nightly rounds through the trail garbage bins. Ildiko clutched my hand and held tight. We slowly, cautiously, tip toed our way down the River’s edge,
ever on the lookout for more raccoons. To this day I remain convinced that raccoon saved me from chest pains and an eventual ambulance ride to the nearest medical facility.The path emptied into the heart of downtown Naperville. Free from any raccoon worries, Ildiko was back in form, bounding through stoplights and sidestepping oncoming traffic as I lagged hopelessly behind. We finally met back up at the trail entry way, where she sheepishly awaited my escort home. On the trail back, she held my hand and told me about her new job in Naperville as a marketing innovation director. I told her my story of working in software by day and music by night. By this point we had arrived at the front of her condo.Ildiko: “Software?”, she asked, “Do you know Norton?”Me: “Norton? … Does he live in your building?”Ildiko: “NORTON VIRUS SCAN?!?!”She told me about a laptop issue she was having, hoping ‘Norton’ could save the day. I offered to take a look at it someday. “How about now?” she asked, and off we headed to her 7th floor condo. In the distance I envisioned a crack security team screaming “NOOOO!” from a windowless van as they monitored the proceedings via surveillance cameras.Her unit was warm, yet worldly. Trinkets and artwork from far away lands accented a bookshelf filled with travel guides from almost every country on the globe. Pictures of her Mother, Father and sister back in Hungary were strewn about. On her nightstand lie a book on Happiness. This was the first moment I felt a touch of fate. I had just checked out a book on Happiness from the the local library, and had been reading a chapter a night for the past week.After the tour, I examined the wounded laptop. After some fruitless analysis, I shrugged my shoulders and recommended taking it to a nearby Apple Store. Four years of college down the drain. My Computer Science degree was just for show! Despite my tech bellyflop, I had a good feeling about the evening. It seemed we were on a similar path, spiritually at least. Saying farewell from her hallway, I suggested we go out to dinner sometime, confident she also felt a connection. “Maybe” she said. And the door slammed in my face.An hour later, a text message from Ildiko arrived. Dinner was a yes.Ildiko and I talked almost everyday for the next three months. A head scratching development for me personally. She was born and raised in Hungary, spoke four languages, and had traveled all over the world. I was a pasty Midwesterner, born and raised. My idea of travel was driving an extra 5 miles to the Ace hardware one town removed. But something odd was evident early on. There was a comfort between us, an ease. I could hear it in the tone of my voice when we talked. An inscrutable bond that seemed preordained at a primal level.Over time I discovered Ildiko had a lightening fast mind, so much so that in the still of the night I swore I could hear thought molecules bouncing around her skull. She laughed easily, was self aware, and loved to be teased. She was open, giving, and laugh out loud funny, with phrases and comments uniquely her own.On the eve of our 4th month together, Ildiko told me she needed to talk to me about something. When I arrived at her condo later that night, she had pictures, letters, and children’s artwork laid out on a glass table. Her voice began to break. She told her story.She showed me a picture of three beautiful little boys, happily smiling. These were her children. She had not seen them in over 12 years. She lost them in a prolonged, bitter custody dispute that took root shortly after she filed for divorce. Her ex was a Harvard grad and a devout Muslim, with wealthy parents back in Turkey. He was the sole breadwinner. The writing was on the wall. He was about to lose big financially, and in addition would have but a partial say in determining how the children were raised and what religion they were taught.With the above at stake, her ex, with the full financial backing of his parents, launched an all
out ”Win” at all costs war to gain full custody of the boys.The first strike was unconscionably cruel. After 8 years of being the primary caregiver for the kids, much of the time her ex away on business trips, Ildiko came home to an empty house. Her kids were gone. A police officer arrived shortly after with something to give her… A restraining order. Her ex had gone behind her back and convinced a judge that she was a danger to the children.Her Ex had retained the services of a top flight, attack dog law firm. A plan was in motion. Separate the kids from the mother and file motion after motion, smear after smear to keep them away from her. Ildiko’s lawyer was quickly overmatched, soon forced out due to the skyrocketing costs. In the meantime, Ildiko’s Ex went into overdrive to alienate the kids from their mother. “Mommy is sick” he would tell them. “Mommy left you”. “Mommy doesn't love you”. “Mommy is going to hurt you”.The ordeal lasted for months. Ildiko was only able to see her kids periodically, for court supervised visits in a public location. Initially the kids greeted her with hugs and kisses, telling her how much they missed her. As the weeks wore on, they became increasingly cold and distant, saying their Father promised ice cream if they left the visit early. At other times, the youngest boy would randomly exclaim “Mommy hit me”. All under the watchful eye of the court ordered supervisor.Neighborhood parents were horrified. They banded together and wrote to the Judge in support of Ildiko. These same parents had watched their kids play with Ildiko’s boys at the playground for years. Ildiko’s employer offered to pay for an attorney and joined her in court for emotional support. This helped for a bit, but they ran out of money also. In the end Ildiko had to represent herself. Alone. Her parents back home in Hungary, too old and brittle to travel.It all came down to a high powered law firm, a 31 year old woman from a foreign country, and a single Judge. And on that fateful day, despite warnings from the court psychiatrist that the father was a cold blooded liar who had coached the kids to turn them against their mother, the Judge awarded the Father full custody of the boys, in part because that same psychiatrist said the boy’s relationship with their mother had become irreparably damaged.As Ildiko opened a giant picture box, I sat in stunned silence. I had gone through a collaborative divorce and even that “best case” outcome was like getting your soul torn from your body. This was unfathomable. I felt a heavy weight on my chest. It felt like I had come face to face with something truly evil.I moved to console her, absent any words to say. I stared at the photos in disbelief. A picture of Ildiko with her kids by the Christmas tree one year, and alone with her Father the next. Traces of immense emotional pain etched on their faces.I went home that night hollow inside. I had grown emotionally close to Ildiko and was feeling the impact in a visceral way, as if it was happening in the moment. I tossed and turned most of the night, at a loss for a way to reverse the colossal injustice.In the subsequent weeks Ildiko told me she wanted the kids to know her story. To understand what happened to them, and that she didn’t run away or leave them.They were older now, the youngest near college age. The golden age of a parent-child relationship long gone. I thought of contacting them directly, but what could I say that wouldn’t come off as badmouthing their father? And how could they ever truly feel or understand the injustice that was done to their mother, and to them, until they were old enough to have kids of their own?As the months went by Ildiko and I grew closer. I proposed to her at the original downtown Starbucks, precisely one year after we met. We traveled to St Thomas to be married, and settled into a new home upon our return. Soon after, Ildiko bought me a piano as a birthday gift. The first piece I wrote on that piano was a song called “Soar”. It was written for Ildiko, but was also meant as a message to her sons. Someday I hope they hear it. And that every time they hear it they are reminded that their mother is a remarkable woman. A woman of immense kindness, compassion, and courage, who in the face of inconceivable darkness never gave up.She is a triumph of the human spirit.She is forever your Mom.